Dear Annie: I have a never-ending situation with my husband, whom I love very much. We have two preteen daughters he insists on taking across the border to Mexico to visit his family. With the recent drug wars and violence there, I am beside myself in allowing this to happen. The arguments have been so heated we’ve actually talked to lawyers. Neither one of us wants to end up in divorce court, but we are both firm in our positions.
Dear Annie: I have a never-ending situation with my husband, whom I love very much. We have two preteen daughters he insists on taking across the border to Mexico to visit his family. With the recent drug wars and violence there, I am beside myself in allowing this to happen. The arguments have been so heated we’ve actually talked to lawyers. Neither one of us wants to end up in divorce court, but we are both firm in our positions.
He takes the kids to visit about once a week, and I’m strongly against it. My lawyer said since we live in a border town, he didn’t think a court would prevent my husband from taking the kids to Mexico. I’m not so sure. I hate to say it, but if it keeps my girls safe, I’m willing to leave him if that means he won’t be able to transport them out of the country to Mexico. Any advice? — Texas
Dear Texas: The U.S. recently issued travel warnings for Mexico. Your husband undoubtedly feels there is no undue risk in visiting his family, but he is not accepting the reality of the situation there. Go online and get some up-to-date statistics about the increase in violence, and see whether you can convince him to be more careful with his daughters’ lives. Is there any possibility the in-laws could meet your husband in Texas? Would they be willing to arrange a visit in a safer area of Mexico (there are several)? Keep in mind a divorce would not necessarily prevent your husband from taking the children across the border, so we urge you to find a way to work this out.
Dear Annie: I am getting married in October. Everything was going smoothly until my fiance mentioned his mom wanted her cousin’s daughter, “Michelle,” to be a bridesmaid. I have never met Michelle, she doesn’t speak English, and I would feel uncomfortable having her play such an important role. My fiance said it would be a nice thing to do, especially since Michelle has cancer, but he left the decision to me.
I decided against it, but was adamant she attend the wedding as a guest. My fiance’s family, however, felt it was an attack on them. His mom said she wouldn’t feel welcome at our wedding and refuses to attend if Michelle isn’t a bridesmaid. Then my fiance’s sister (who is a bridesmaid) said she wasn’t going to attend, either.
I was heartbroken and confused, and my fiance is trapped in the middle. I now feel Michelle has to be a bridesmaid in order to keep the peace. Was I selfish to deny her in the first place? My fiance’s mom says no matter what I do, she will never look at me the same way. — Bride-to-Be
Dear Bride: Let’s get a couple of things straight. Yes, the bride selects her bridesmaids, and the future in-laws should not be pressuring and threatening you. However, this particular choice means a great deal to them, and it is wise for a bride to periodically please her future in-laws. Including Michelle from the start would have been a minor inconvenience to you while gaining lots of brownie points with your fiance and his family. Now you appear to be heartless. If you stick to your guns, you’ll end up with nothing. So suck it up, apologize profusely, and say you didn’t realize how important it was to include Michelle and you’d be proud and happy to do so.
Dear Annie: I agree with “Friend of a Young Cancer Victim” that it’s better to donate to charity or medical research than spend the money on flowers at a funeral. However, when I have done this, more often than not, I am inundated with endless requests for further donations. This makes me not want to donate at all. — Another Fan
Dear Annie: I read with great interest the letter from “Stepmom,” whose husband was irked that she expected his two teenage daughters to help pay for expensive new jackets they wanted after Christmas.
We raised four children on a modest income. There were a lot of requests for us to buy things for them. I often used the same tactic. Not only did it tell me whether they wanted the item enough to pay half, but they also took better care of those things they had a financial investment in.
There were times when my teenage kids did things that left me baffled as to how to punish them. I would send them to their room with instructions to think about what they’d done and what they thought their punishment should be. They usually selected something much worse than I would have. The beauty in this method? They took the punishment without arguing and felt it was fair. They have grown into wonderful adults, and I am so proud of them. — N.Y. Mom
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit creators.com.
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